My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
