remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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