I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
