drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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