I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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