I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize