for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
