In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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