she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
