1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
