does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
