Your face is a jimmy john
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
