Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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