all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
