Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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