she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize