I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
