you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Your penis caused this!
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
