bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
A+ Viking dick
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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