Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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