No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Randomize