WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Ladies don't puke and tell
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
