Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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