He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Randomize
