omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
