if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
