she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
