Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize