based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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