At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
