All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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