He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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