pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
