rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
