textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize