he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
