I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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