1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
