You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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