Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
