it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
