i don't like sucking hair
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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