my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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