I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
