I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
