you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
