nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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