Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
