Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
