I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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