The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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