Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
