Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
