I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
