If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
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