i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
